Monday, April 06, 2009

about life n death..

Sooo, last night I find it hard to sleep. My mind wonder from one thing to another and finally, I just got thinking, how life seems so meaningless to me right now. It's like a vicious cycle. Everyday, I will wake up, go to work and come back from work and that sums up my life right now. The problem is, I know I need to find something interesting or worthwhile to do but, I can't find anything I really like right now.

I've been telling people I'm in a semi-retired mode as, there's nothing much else left I want in life right now. Everthing, seems so boring to me. I don't know, maybe, because I'm leading a simple single life so, I really do have a lot of time in my hand. That's why, I feel it's kind of wasted and I know I could do something worthwhile. I've been thinking about a couple of options I could take. 

For example, I've thought of joining a non-profit organization, maybe to help out the needy or in disaster areas or something like that. I'll like to do my part to help the world. The problem is, I don't know how I can go about doing it. Also, at the same time, I'm kind of lazy. Haha. So, really, I need to get off my butts and start doing something or I'll die of boredom.

The only thing, that keep me excited right now is games. New games, and also new technology. I really like to see new stuff created or designed. That's one thing, that actually makes me want to stay alive. I really want to know what's the future is like in 20 years time. Right now, I think I'm heading towards depression or something like that. I don't know. For me, right now, life seems so meaningless. I've got nothing to live for. Nothing, to look forward to. Nothing, to work hard for.

Hmmm, if this is semi-retirement, I don't know what's full retirement would do to me.

Sometime, when I think about life and death. How, I'm going to die, I just feel that, "GOD, just get it over with. Damn it. Just let me die now!".

Sooner, or later, I'm going to die. I've got nothing in my life right now, that I feel why wait?

Do, I have to wait longer to just die?

When, really is my time?

I just feel empty right now. I don't know. I couldn't sleep yesterday night, thinking about all this. Maybe, I think too much. Maybe, I have too much free time. Maybe, I'm leading a too easy, simple life? Haha!

Once, awhile. These thoughts go through my mind. Once, awhile, I'll feel like I want to die right now. Just get it over with. When, I think about death, I just wonder, I just couldn't stand life anymore. I want to end it. But, I'll have to wait. Maybe not?

I don't know why, I think about death too much. I need to look forward. Need, to find something worthwhile to do with my life. I'll look around. I don't know. Maybe, I'll just lay still and rot to death. I don't know, if I can still long enough anyway. Haha.

I'll always think about life and death. I just hope, something will crop up soon, or I'll just die.

I'll just die.

Die.