Saturday, July 12, 2008

Why does break up hurts?

Okay. I just got to get this out of my chest. A month ago, a friend gave me a woman mobile contact number. Heh, you know the drill right?

I just got discharged from the hospital after four days being warded for a spine slip disc. And, I've got 45 days of MC. So, what's a guy to do right?

So, through the days, I chat up with the woman via sms. Yeah, same ol same ol. She was friendly, able to take my crude jokes etc. It's been some time since I last chat or talk with any woman intimately. My friend actually given me a couple of numbers before but all the woman seems disinterested. I don't know why. I guess, it's hard to find a woman to talk to nowadays eh? Or maybe, it's me?

So, when this woman named "Linda" actually bothered to even 'entertained' me, I was kind of happy. Everyday, every minute, every hours, I check my phone if she had send me a message. Even, my nephews noticed it. And, they joked to me about it. The only problem is I wanted to meet her but she kept insisting that she's afraid I'll run away when I meet her. So, I didn't bother to try to meet her anymore after that. Even, though, I totally wanted to. I guess, if I wanted really to meet her, it wouldn't be a problem. It's just that, something stop me to 'further' the relationship. I think, I have this relationship self-distruct button inside of me. I always find a way to screw it up!

Anyway, the last few days, I finally decided to offer her phone number to one of my male colleague. At first, she didn't want me to. But, I lied saying that I've shown her pic to my colleauge and that he likes her. I tried, a second time and she finally gave in. Well, once, I've given her number, I decided not to contact her anymore. You know, I thought I didn't want to get in between those two as in a way, I was trying to 'run' away from her. I don't know why, I did that. Although, I've been happy chatting up with her but I guess I did it because, I wanted to pretend that I was helping my friend and her. Do I sound stupid to you? Ha!

So, to make the story short. They meet up and now they're seeing each other. Although, in a way, I was happy for them, but inside me just feels a little hurt. I don't know why. Finally, today. I send an sms asking her to delete my number from her contacts and told her that I'll be doing the same. I said that, I didn't want to get in between both of them and I felt that it was better that way. She asked, why couldn't we still be friends then? I replied, that I was afraid I'll get in between their relationship. I was freaking lying to her and myself. Inside me, in truth, I was a little hurt that she actually went out with him after the second day of chatting on the phone. Whereas, I didn't even get to hear her voice much else meet her. I know, it's my own freaking fault!

She send me the sad face icon :( but I didn't care. I just wanted out of the short 'relationship' if you can call it that. I was kind of exasperated that she actually went out with him even though at first she didn't want to. She said, she was only interested in me and not anybody else. But, then she agreed to meet him. What gives! How can I take it just like that? I thought she did it just to spite me. Well, who have the last laugh huh?

At work, during lunch break earlier. I usually sleep, as I've taken my brunch at the 10:00am tea break. I didn't manage to get a single wink! I was thinking the whole time how to tell it to her that I wanted her to delete my number and that we shouldn't stay in contact anymore. I wanted her totally out of my life. In a way, I was angry and I wanted to tell her off and all of that. But, in the end I just told her that maybe, we shouldn't contact each other anymore. I told her to delete my number and I was going to delete her's. So, that was that. But, why do I feel a little hurt inside? Why do I feel the sensation of the break up?

Even, though, I've only known her for almost 2 months. I haven't met the girl, haven't even hear her voice on the telephone. And, it still hurts? Why the hell-freaking-so!!??

I guess, it's been some time since I last felt a little connected to someone since my break up with my ex. Which, I actually still think of once in a while. I still think that I'm doing my former girlfriend an injustice and if in any way, I can get back with her. I'll do it. The thing is, even if we're back together would it be any better then the last time? I've had an on-and-off relationship with her a couple of time. I'm in a freaking dilemma.

Right now, in a way, I'm happy that I'm single but also, deep inside maybe I need someone. Heck. When, I did had a girlfriend, I wanted out and when I didn't have one? I wanted one!

Duh! This pain going to hurt, and last a couple of days, maybe weeks. The bad thing is that my colleague is going to be talking about her to me. Which, I didn't want. Cause, I just want to forget about her and move on. Maybe, find me another woman eh? Hurt again? You bet!

I guess that's part of my life right now. Maybe, I'll find someone special again like my ex. Maybe, I'll get back with my ex-gf together again. Or really maybe, I don't freaking care about all this relationship thing. It's just such a hassle! But, who knows right?

Nothing is carve in stone in this world.

Even if I don't? Duh! I'll still be happy being single. And, that's that.

So, have a nice weekend and maybe, I'll read up more news about the 3G iPhone to soothes the hurt. Yeah.. baby. Come to papa ...

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Latest updates:
17th July. Well, I finally decided to ask my friend for her number again. And, we chat about what had happens. Right now, we only chat occasionally again. But, I think now it's a little easier for me to 'slowly' disappear rather then abruptly stop contacting her. Seems to be working and doesn't hurt as much. Also, I tried contacting my ex via email. So, far. No response. But, hey, at least I tried right? Although, I know, I can do better.

Latest updates II: 18th July. So guess what? I went to meet the girl finally after only chatting with her for almost 2 months. Well, she isn't that pretty in real life. She's okay I guess. A little too thin. And, she likes to wear the head scarf. I told her I preferred to see her let her hair go. I'm sure, she'll look better. But, anyway. At least I got to meet her and she's the first woman I met (consider as a date?) after 2 years breaking up with my long-time gf. A little awkward. I don't know how far this relationship going to go. But, we'll see. For now, I'm just going with the flow ..

Latest updates III: 20th July. Sigh! So, guess what again. Now, the girl decided to break up with me. Saying that I wasn't really serious about the relationship. Actually, she's right. Well, you can't really blame me. I just met her what 2 days ago? I guess it's my fault that I introduced her to my friend in the first place. I should have just keep it to myself and not pass her number around. She wasn't really happy about that in the first place. And, also, I can't move on, until I settled things with my ex. Got, to find a way to meet her and talk things through. Anyway, I'm supposed to be over about woman and now, I'm in this mess I created myself. Baahh ..relationship is not for me. I should just stick with being alone. Again. Life goes on .. I guess. I think this is going to be my last updates for this post. Any comment?

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